The Wisdom of Six Years

Today I met with a student who could possibly fit our empty slot in the Michigan in Washington program. It was so enjoyable to talk to her! We spent a full 45 minutes discussing the program and her life goals. It's amazing how you can just instantly click with some people. This student was one of these people. As she recounted her dashed hopes for attending law school and the resulting malaise of having your life plan pulled out from under you, I could not help but think of myself at that age. I grew up believing I would be a politician or a lawyer. After interning in DC and taking a practice LSAT, I knew that these two options were not the best for me. I know what I am doing is what I should be doing, but I remember the effects of starting all over. Confronting the reality that who you think you should be isn't who you will end up being is difficult to say the least. There may be no more central question than that regarding identity, and if you have already envisioned yourself to be one thing, having that identity wrestled away from you leaves you wondering who you are.

Finding My Inner Domestic Goddess

It is official: I am Mrs. Miller.  I did not take Dan's last name. In fact, I told him there were only a few discrete circumstances under which I would take my husband's last name. First, his last name would have to be undeniably awesome. Like "Edge" (this Dan's mother's maiden name). That is a kick-ass last name. Wait, that is the only circumstance under which I would take his last name. In fact, most of my married friends have kept their last names. I know of only three that have changed theirs, compared to many who have kept theirs. Goodness knows I am not one to rock the boat!

The wedding was a huge success! I did not know one is supposed to have so much fun at her own wedding! Everything worked out: the weather, the food, and even the cheesy music!

In other news, I have a new goal for the summer. I am going to unleash my inner domestic goddess! Let's face it: I can't cook, I am not neat and tidy and my idea of decorating is slapping a poster haphazardly on a blank wall. In fact, my utter lack of domesticity was the fodder for my father's toast at the wedding reception. So each week I will embark on a new project. Tonight I am cooking (with the help of my friend Cassie). Pictures and stories will ensue. Below is a picture of me in a properly domestic outfit (I can't seem to get the picture to flip the right way--sad).

Warm April Snow

I'm back. I haven't been blogging because I have nary a thing to write. Seeing that there is nothing to recap, I will dive right in. Oh wait! Yes, I do have something to share. I picked out my shoes for the wedding (see below). They are the Augusta peep toes in faded aqua, from J. Crew. They are exquisite and I have been traipsing through the house in them. Undoubtedly, if I were swimming in money, I would splurge on quality shoes. Alas,  I am not. 

I am torn as to what to wear for the rehearsal dinner. I have a classic black Givenchy dress (one of my purchases at the Rack in Scottsdale), but I am afraid that the color and fabric are wrong for Cuernavaca, Mexico, at the end of May.

Okay, I have to confess: I am slightly hurt that no one on my father's side of the family will be attending my nuptials. Many who said they were coming have been scared off by the reports of violence in Mexico. Yet my family assures me that everything is fine in Mexico City and Cuernavaca. The fighting is contained to the border region, which is thousands of miles away. While I didn't want a huge wedding, I did think some of the people on my dad's side would come. Alas, it will be a small and intimate wedding.  

Beyond that, I have a poster presentation to prepare in two weeks. My advisor specifically said that he would like to see results. Essentially, Mama has a lot of work to do. 

Happy New Year!

Dear readers! It has been too long. I can't offer a bouquet of excuses, just simply the truth. I had nothing to write about nor did I feel like writing. Now I am in Starbucks in Scottsdale, Arizona, working. I am wearing a heather gray, sleeveless Yves Saint Laurent vest, belted, (as seen here)  and black patent Ferragamo loafers. Thank you sales! Dan and I have been taking full advantage of the retail malaise and have ransacked Nordstrom Rack. We have also been eating, a lot. Now it is the New Year and I have a wedding that I need to get serious about. Dan and I just fully realized how much planning there was still left to do. We are woefully behind. I am hoping that we can pull it together. So far, January looks like it will be a pretty busy month. In full anticipation of this, I have been reading fiction, soaking every minute I have left of this break. I finally capitulated, and read Twilight. This was after Dan's sister, her friend, and I went to see the film. It was so cheesy and awesome that I would be willing to see it again. Any takers? I bought the cheap paperback soon after and loved every word in the purple prose. I don't know if I will read the rest of these books, as I heard that the main characters become incredibly annoying. Any thoughts? And on that note, I will return to my work. 

Don't Go Wasting Your Emotions

Sigh. I have a severe case of verbal diarrhea. Last night was girls' night out and I, per usual, shared too much. I really have to work on that. The good news was that I had a great time and I didn't drink too much! Yay for small victories.

In other news, I miss Dan desperately. It's amazing how much our lives have melded into one. When he isn't around, I feel like I'm simply biding my time until he returns. I know that sounds pathetic, but I feel like I'm just at half-strength without him. Where is he, you ask? Well, our dear male Cher Horowitz finagled a trip to Portugal for a conference. Thus, he is in Lisbon.  The week before he was in Boston for an interview. 

I don't know how I will handle being in the Netherlands sans my DK. The nice thing about being the one leaving, rather than staying, is that the newness of the situation acts as a salve to the loneliness. I will also be busy working on this bloody dissertation. Speaking of which, it is time for me to get back to work.

I Knew Who I Wanted To Be

So this is weird. I'm reading my old blog, which I maintained for roughly two years. How much my life has changed! I'm living with my fiance (in sin, as my dad likes to make clear), I am in month two of my fifth year (gulp!), and I am nowhere closer to being comfortable in my skin. I believed when I was younger that once I reached my mid-twenties, I would suddenly be emancipated from my self-doubts. Au contraire, mes amis, au contraire. 

But really, life is good, in a perverse way. We're in the middle of a financial meltdown and I'm okay. My family is okay. Dan is okay; nay, he is BETTER than okay. My cats, while destroying our furniture and ripping up our carpet, are okay. I'm sad that my prospectus has been such a struggle and that I've lost my drive. But it could be worse. That said, it can always be worse. 

Thursday night was the vice-presidential debate. Cassie, Nate, and their roommate hosted a debate watch party. It was spectacular! Cassie outdid herself, making baked Alaska and providing enough beverages to make Palin's scripted answers funny and not painful. Dan was gone, and I felt so very alone. I am now one of those people to whom I could never relate. I am part of a couple who feels like she is drowning when she is alone. I only talked about my cats and my DK, which is obnoxious, to say the least. The good part is that some awesome people were there, and I was ale to reconnect with someone who was a very good friend first and second year. 

Now I'm in my house, filching Internet from a kind stranger. I'm supposed to be working, but I am rendered immobile from my adviser's comments and my own frustration. Somehow, navel gazing is much more attractive to me than reading another book. 

Will anyone have a Halloween party this year? I sincerely hope so. 

And now back to psuedo-work. 

Puis je fume

The first day of school. How I used to anticipate it so! The end of summer meant running with my sister to Hunter's Glen elementary school to find out which class I had been placed. I would dash into the cafeteria, scroll the lists of names for my grade and leave, either giddy or dejected. I remember when my entire clique was in the other 4th grade class. Oh the agony!

Of course, the night before the first day was even better. I would meticulously plan my outfit (this was prior to my interest in fashion, meaning that the outfit was inevitably plain, bordering on hideous), laying it out by my bed. Next, I would prepare my backpack, cramming it full of bright new folders, Crayola markers, and the prerequisite box of Kleenex. While getting ready for middle school and high school were different, I was still filled with excitement and expectation.

Yesterday was, in its own way, my first day of school. Since beginning graduate school, I have not felt the same kind of nervousness or eagerness that used to engulf me when I was younger; nevertheless, this year feels different to me. Maybe it's because the summer seemed to drag on forever. Or perhaps it's because there is so much I want to do this year and I needed a fresh start. In the end, I think we all look forward to a new start. Like the New Years, the first day of school presents a clearly delineated time when we can change our fortunes, change our behaviors. That is what I want to do this year.

Now that I got that out of my system, I do want to share what I've been doing the past weekend. Dan and I jetted off to Mexico City to find a venue for the wedding. My mother met us down in the city and we stayed with my godmother Mari. The trip was brilliant! Everyone loved Dan and Dan loved them and the country (the first question he asked my dad upon our return was how could he leave)!

With regards to finding a wedding locale, the true problem was deciding between multiple places that were all very nice. Finally, we chose La Hacienda de Cortez in Cuernavaca (http://www.hotelhaciendadecortes.com/). we've also moved up the day of our wedding to May 23rd. More details will follow.

Dan is the first person outside of my family to go with me to Mexico. It was one of those strange occurrences when two of my completely distinct worlds collide. I was born in Mexico and I lived in the city until I was four. Throughout my childhood and adolescence, I would travel frequently to Mexico with my family; we would stay there for weeks at a time. Since going to college, however, these trips have trickled to nothing. In fact, this past visit was my first time back sine 2001. Being back felt so strange. It doesn't feel as foreign as it used to, in terms of the presence of American firms, but it doesn't feel as familiar as it once did. That is, I felt completely out of touch with the culture. At lest I am trying to get rid of my Spanish accent. I think having the wedding in Mexico, with my Mexican side of the family attending, is perfect. I will reconnect with a side of me that I haven't paid much mind to, and American family and friends will get to see the real Mexico (there will be no reception at Senor Frogs).

Coffee and Doughnuts

This is heaven. I am sitting at the B.'s kitchen table in Nantucket, enjoying my final bites of a blueberry doughnut, and reading jezebel. We are all sitting around the table, engrossed in our own activities. This trip to Nantucket is the perfect antidote to the stressful past two weeks. In fact, I never thought this time would come. I was desperately trying to finish my APSA paper, as well as move my prospectus forward in order to be ready for the poster session my advisor arranged. The Olympics did not help at all. I was up every night until around 1:00 and I was up by 6:00 so I could run and lift. To say I was perpetually exhausted is an understatement. But alas, by 7:30 pm on Thursday, my paper had been uploaded and the poster session was over.

On Friday Dan and I left for Boston. We met up with Dan's friend H. and then took a ferry to Nantucket, where we stayed with H.'s family. Their rambling house has a lovely cottage in the background, where Dan and I are staying. It is all a little Waugh-esque, minus the British manners. Anyway, we had a lovely day on Friday and yesterday we went to the beach, explored a light-house, and did a little shopping. This was capped off by a delicious birthday dinner at B.'s house.

The house is currently fill as H.'s cousins are here as well. They are so lovely! They also have seven dogs and I am so surprised by how much I love them. Dan and I are seriously considering getting one after we are married. We'll have to consult the girls, of course.

Today is our last day on the island. The rest of the week will be spent in Boston. We'll be returning to Ann Arbor on Saturday, and then we leave for Mexico City on Sunday to begin our wedding planning in earnest. This is making me tired just thinking about it. For right now I will concentrate on enjoying myself.

Do I Disappoint You?

I feel compelled to pose this question that has been haunting me for the past few weeks. Who the hell are the Jonas Brothers and why should I care? Any and all thoughts would be very much appreciated.

Obstacle 1

I've been recently fighting a perpetual time crunch. Suddenly, deadlines transformed from laudable mechanisms to force me to complete my work into real and binding things. Since Wednesday morning, I feel that I'm constantly tense, constantly staring at the computer, and constantly fighting this wave of nausea. The physical manifestation of this stress is the worst. For instance, since beginning to lift weights I've developed these bulging veins in my hands, and they seems to throb every time I think of what I have to do.

I had a presentation on Friday. To call my performance "craptastic" would be unduly generous.

What has made this week interesting is the purported presence of Drew Barrymore. Apparently, she is shooting her directorial debut in Ann Arbor (thanks US Weekly!). I've never met a real celebrity, which I think is unfair given my obsession with them. Oh, and I read Little Girl Lost. Thus, I've been staked out on Main Street, hoping for a sighting. So far the only notable sighting was my old crush and his girlfriend eating dinner at Cafe Felix. It was so bloody awkward, although I'm engaged and the entire episode took place years ago. His back was to me and his girlfriend saw me and whispered to him. He turned around and saw me, but I, oh sly one, was acting like I was texting someone although in reality, I don't text because it is too expensive on my plan. HA! So we all acted as if we didn't see each other. It was on this date when I choose to pair my adorable khaki shorts with a plain gray SWEATSHIRT FROM MEIJER. It always seems that I run into people when I look like a schlub.

Now I'm back on Main Street, working on my paper for APSA. I'm actually enjoying my work. In fact, I love it. It is just the stress that gets to me. As I type this I wonder if perhaps I'll see a famous person. Ellen Page? Marcia Gay Harden? Drew Barrymore? I'm not picky.

Bisous Cat's Q & A, Courtesy D. Smith

I ran the idea of Bisous Cat hosting a Q & A show on public television past David. In response, David provided this absolutely perfect script of how such a show would progress. Please note, Raffi is my parent's ambiguously gay cat. He has a British accent and heaven knows how he ended up in Kentucky. Isabel is my sweet, darling, loving cat, who happens to rub against anyone and everyone. Snickers is Cassie's long-haired cat who may or may not be fatter than Bisous Cat (and Bisous Cat is huge).

Voici David's masterpiece: 

BISOUS CAT: Please welcome our wegular guest, Isabel.

(APPLAUSE)

ISABEL: Meow . . .

BISOUS CAT: Shut up Isabel, no-one's intewested. Go and find a lap you haven't sat on yet. If you can. All the way fwom Kentucky, Waffi!

(APPLAUSE)

RAFFI: Yes, it's, er, charming to be in Michigan. I say, is there a decent bathhouse anywhere around here?

BISOUS CAT: Why don't you just lick yourself like evewyone else?

RAFFI: Er, well, it's not so much the cleaning aspect I'm looking for. . .

BISOUS CAT: And speaking of cats who don't clean themselves, please welcome Snickews!

(APPLAUSE)

SNICKERS: None of you have any fashion sense to wear your fur long.

BISOUS CAT: And none of us have our fuw wecognized as a national park.

RAFFI: Oh, MEOW!

SNICKERS: Or have our ass recognized as a planet. Oh, wait, I believe NASA's trying to contact you now. . .

RAFFI: Oh, this is going to be FUN. Someone bring me a martini. . .

Nous Partons Allez Viens!

I am working at Espresso Royale, looking up British candidates for my dissertation. Ah, the dissertation. My raison d'être. I feel so ridiculously inferior to my peers. I used to think I was making good progress, but in a quest to improve my own webpage, I saw how much my colleagues have accomplished. In comparison, I feel like I've accomplished nothing. I take that back. I am very good at sudoku, something I would never have accomplished without attending graduate school. In other words,  hello Wayne State! Yet I am unable to pinpoint what I would do if I wasn't an aspiring political scientist. I was a very good waitress at Sonic. Unfortunately, I am too old to do that now (there is nothing sadder than a carhop over 20, and you can quote me on that).

On another note, tonight should be fun. Dan and I are going to Cassie's for dinner. Kate and Michael are also attending. I'm really looking forward to it. My friend's dad's band is playing at the Firefly Club tonight and I will attempt to convince everyone to join me in attending tonight. 

Nobody's Perfect

I am in the reading room in the Union. Across from me sits an uptight girl who has a conniption every time anyone makes a noise. What really strikes me as bizarre is that she appears to be listening to her iPod. How can she hear these low-volume sounds?  I swear, the expressions she makes and the speed at which she snaps her head to see what could be the matter are far more distracting than the sounds of a chair screeching or my munching on some nutritious celery. 

But beyond that, life is grand. This past weekend Dan and I travelled to Bowling Green to spend time with my parents. Mel was there and she brought her two friends! We spent every waking moment eating salsa and chips and drinking. It was grand. The only low point of this weekend is listening to my parents and their über-conservative friends discuss politics. I did not say much until I was pushed to the breaking point with regards to state formation. I immediately regretted saying anything, but Dan said that he loved it when "I put him [my parents' friend] in his place." I used to voice my political views loudly and constantly but I've since tried to keep them silent. Not only have I been largely been successful, but I would argue that I've been much more pleasant as well. I suppose it was the copious amount of wine I drank or the length of the conversation that broke me. I wonder if I had been a man would I worry so much about speaking my mind? Or should everyone avoid discussing politics, full stop?

In my spare time, I finally read a non-school related book, A Long Way Gone by Ishmael Beah. Perhaps you saw it on sale at your local Starbucks? Yes, well, if you enjoy reading about death over coffee than by all means, pick it up and read it while you sip your latte! I had nightmares. 

Speaking of nightmares, my stress has reached record levels. I must return to the tasks at hand.

Slight Qualification

I have to make a correction: I have some friends who are opera singers and they are by no means pretentious or assholes. I was merely projecting as that is what I feel like whenever my iTunes shuffle lands on opera. 

Opera is for Lovers

...or pretentious assholes. 

Am listening to Maria Callas and I feel so peaceful. And fake. 

Two entries in a row! So what's the occasion? Dan was able to open the garage door! Yea Dan! I am now at the Union, working on a spreadsheet, naturally. Dan and I are going out to dinner tonight at Ruth Chris. I am so terribly excited! 

Another piece of good news: I was so sore this morning that I literally could. not. run. Not at all. My body just refused. Finally, a good excuse for not working out! My trainer is killing me. I love it.

In other news, The Love Guru was absolutely eviscerated by the New York Times. Surprised? Not really. Honestly, this is the best part of the whole review: "No, the Love Guru is downright antifunny, an experience that makes you wonder if you will ever laugh again." 

SNAP! A. O. Scott (son of Joan Scott, for all of you who are interested in cultural history as an academic discipline) pulls no punches. And nor will I today (terrible segue). Back to work for me. 

Don't Call It A Comeback

I'm back. 

Here is my explanation for my blogging hiatus: I have a dull, yet happy, life. Really, what could I write? "Today I went to the office, worked until 11:30, then I ate lunch because I am very midwestern in that way, and then I went home at 6:30. Dan made dinner. I drank too much. We watched Olbermann. I played sudoku. I woke up the next morning and did the EXACT SAME THING!."

So you must forgive me for not updating. The funny thing is that I like my routine. 

Alas, my life has changed slightly due to a stubbornly broken garage door. My car is stuck in the garage and I am stranded in the 'burbs. Hence this blog post from Borders (located next door--how convenient!).

I've also began working out with a personal trainer. I know. I'm slightly embarrassed about this. The problem is that I cannot lose weight and I needed someone to kick my ass. So there. I did it. I feel very selfish. And sore. 

Speaking of selfish, David leaves today for Toronto and then he deserts us for Australia. He'll be back in August. 

Final note of interest: my advisor informed me that my quantitative section of my dissertation must be finished before I leave for France. Crap, crap, crap. Managing my undergrad data coders and filling in Excel sheets are the activities that keep me occupied until 6:30. 

So leave a comment. Let me know you care. 

Cupcakes

Dan and I have been engaged in a massive house clean since Saturday. It was time as the place was abysmally dirty. We are jettisoning all of our worldly affairs that no longer matter. Harsh? Perhaps. Cruel? Unintentionally. How good it feels though to rid myself of so much useless crap! Dan and I are both pack rats but I think that we are changing our ways. Unfortunately, cleaning will be a week long extravaganza. 

Saturday Dan and I went to R & J's house for karaoke.  I think I've found my new love. Yes, it was MAGIC.  The best performance, in my honest opinion, was David's rendition of "Rock the Casbah." So much passion! 

Dan and I have begun buying the food for our engagement party. Today we headed over to Cake Nouveau where we ordered 90 mini cupcakes. Which flavors, you ask? That I cannot tell. You must wait until Friday to find out. 

Dunder Mifflin is Haven Hall

So this is going to be a very quick entry as I have a meeting in t-14 minutes. There are many aspects of my job that I hate. Whether it be the mundane data crunching or dealing with other people's insecurities, I am always finding a reason to wish I was somewhere else. I imagine that I am no anomaly and that most people hate their jobs (or at least aspects). I am just like the cubicle-dwelling median American! 

So here is my soon-to-be coping mechanism. What I think will make my life more bearable is pretending that I am the star of my own documentary à la The Office. So my painfully awkward meeting (and believe me, it will be both PAINFUL and AWKWARD) that I will be attending is merely COMIC GOLD! The audience cringes with me. And we will all feel better knowing that this too shall pass. 

Comptine D'Un Autre Été

I am writing from my kitchen table in Bowling Green, Kentucky. A soft breeze enters the room and I can hear birds warbling. These bird sounds are driving my cats crazy. They are pacing by the porch door, desperate to go outside. 

This trip has been enjoyable but I'm also inclined to hate April and May. I feel pasty, sluggish, and completely thrown off-kilter. 

David, Dan, and I traveled down to Bowling Green to escape graduation week. My dad grilled California burgers our first night here. He is in heaven. He loves sitting outside and talking with Dan and David. On Wednesday, they ate paella and did shot after shot of tequila and rum. I had two glasses of wine and called it a night.

I've got a lot of work to do, more than I had anticipated. The past few days have been dedicated to work for my GSRA-ship. Now I have to work on this paper that I'm co-authoring. All I want to do is work on my own stuff. I've been told that I have to finish my prospectus by May 20th. Approved and everything.

Crap.

States That Are Essentially By-Products

Bisous Cat stays! Hurrah!

Am working in my office but am feeling uninspi(red). 

It appears there will be drinks tonight at La Habana. Here is to hoping that the id obeys the superego. I doubt it. In fact, I HIGHLY doubt it. 

Best thing I've read today (and so utterly true): 

States That Are Essentially By-Products

...I can get A by doing A, but only if I do A in order to get Y... 

(An example) Musical glory or social success falls in the category of state that are essentially by-products - states that cannot be realized by actions motivated only by the desire to realize them. These are states that may come about, but not be brought about intentionally by a simple decision... Attempts to realize these desires are likely to be ineffectual and can even make matters worse. 

--Jon Elster

Mark Leibovich wrote an absolutely riveting article on Chris Matthews. It appears the more we aim for respect, the more we fall dismally short. This reminds me of the time in high school when I was obsessed with being a bad-ass. Nathan had unceremoniously excluded me from his top ten bad-asses at Castle High School. According to Nathan, my efforts to join this storied list made me even less of a bad-ass. Just as Chris Matthews will forever be on the Washington B-List, thanks to his insatiable desire to be on the A-List. Frustrating, I know.