Movies to Watch

I am so excited for Atonement. There is nothing I like better than romance and war. The film looks absolutely beautiful and I've already fallen - hard - for the score. I feel incredibly guilty for saying this, but I love Keira Knightley. I just think she is lovely. I wish I was as waifish as she. Unfortunately, my love of food, my lack of discipline and my glacially slow metabolism will simply not allow it. I can actually feel my arm fat jiggling as I type, no joke. Shameful. I think my steady diet of celebrity gossip has made me ultra-aware of my weight. I am constantly confronted with pictures of who's up and who's down, and I think to myself, "How the hell did she get down?" I can't seem to lose a pound! Of course, I imbibe way too much alcohol and live off of cookies. I wasn't going to do this on this blog. You know, talk about weight. But it is something I cannot stop thinking about. It is difficult because Dan sees me struggle and sees me cry about it, and he tries to help me the best he can, but his help isn't what I want to hear. He asks me what I had for dinner and encourages me to eat less. I want him to tell me that I don't need to lose weight, not stop eating all of those cookies. I want Dan to tell me that I look lovely, not that my stomach looks bigger. I walk this tightrope of not wanting to starve myself again, of wanting to be normal, and longing for my old, taut self. I was once the girl who couldn't fit into adult clothes. A size zero would fall off of me. I was the girl who weighed less than 90 pounds. And then I think about the collateral damage...and I reach for my Oreos and get fatter. I want to disentangle goodness, discipline and integrity from a number on a scale. But I don't want to be fat. And that leads to this vicious cycle. As I said before, I didn't want to bring this up again. Not writing about it was stupid as it is all I think about. I don't know how I'm going to handle tomorrow night. Allison and I are hosting a holiday party. I know what I normally do: I eat too much, I drink too much, and then I feel like an utter piece of crap the next day. I always tell myself before I go out that I will feel horrible if I pig out. And yet my resolve crumbles the minute I enter the party. If only I could tap into that discipline I had long ago. I will seriously try. I will write on Sunday to let you all know how I did.